August 12th was the 10 year anniversary of my husband’s sudden departure to heaven (that’s what I prefer to call it). Grief is weird. A few weeks ago, I remembered that the anniversary was coming up. And then I got busy … and then I got depressed. For the past week, I felt a heaviness in my heart, an ache in my stomach, had little energy and I just wanted to stay in bed. I couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong, but knew I was going through a mild depression.
Tuesday morning, my step daughter left me a sweet and tear-filled message that she was thinking of me and missing her daddy. And then it became clear to me why I was feeling the way I was. But why??? It’s been 10 years!!! I have clearly moved on and I’ve had a great life for many years. Does my subconscious grieve even when my conscious world is unaware of it? I don’t know. But what I do know is that grief is a strange mystery. I think the acceptance of that is the first step to recovery.
For the most part, my husband’s passing seems like another lifetime ago … like ‘that was then and this is now’. I’ve managed to create a nice life for my son, Michael and I. Even though I’m currently in a loving relationship, why do I sometimes slip and refer to my boyfriend as my husband’s name??? It’s been 10 years !!! I have clearly ‘moved on’ …
I guess I have to accept the fact that I may experience a mild depression every year around August 12th and that my husband will always be part of my DNA. He gave me the gift of the most loving, kind, creative, sensitive boys in the world. My son was only 4 when my husband Larry passed away. He’s a clone of his dad and chip off the old block! I am so thankful that my husband entrusted me with the great honor and responsibility of raising his son. Michael is my lifelong souvenir of his father.
What’s great about grief? Let’s face it … it sucks! But my husband always used to say, “Don’t sweat the small stuff. And by the way, it’s all small stuff!” I never really got that until after he died. All he took with him to heaven were the memories of the love he shared with his family and friends, and his relationship with the Lord. I now have a big picture perspective of what is real and what is important in life. And his passing inspired me to help others going through the grief process.
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